Vulnerability

So, here is something I think about frequently.

Vulnerability. Being vulnerable.

Adjective:

1.   capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt

2.   open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.

3.   (of a place) open to assault; difficult to defend.

I think it is human nature to resist being vulnerable. (Thank you, Captain Obvious). As obvious as the reasons seem, I’m still gonna go ahead and say them. (Well, what IMHO I believe the obvious reasons are).

1.   We are afraid of being hurt emotionally.

2.   We are afraid of being judged.

3.   We are afraid of being considered weak.

4.   We are afraid of being taken advantage of.

5.  Super obvious one- mostly no one likes to be physically wounded or assaulted. Except maybe UFC guys, they seem to be okay with that. I’m sure there are some others that are also ok with this. But I digress, as I’m not really here to talk about the physical wounding and assault possibilities of being vulnerable.

6.  Overall, we are afraid of a variety of bad and painful things happening to us if we show our vulnerability, and we will be weakened, or viewed as weakend.

However, again IMHO, I personally believe the opposite. I view the ability to be vulnerable as strength, and as a chance for beautiful opportunities between human beings, and in life, that may otherwise be missed.

I struggle with myself on if I am good at allowing myself to be vulnerable or not. I think in many ways I am. I think I’m not afraid to put myself out there emotionally for others. I’m not afraid to let people in, or to dig right in with them. I’m not afraid to be me. I think I’m not afraid to take risks that might end up leading me to some pain or trouble, but most often lead me to some beautiful opportunities and people. I know I have a hard time opening up about my struggles. I hesitate to reach out to people sometimes when I really need to. I struggle to admit that sometimes I am not ok.

I have always considered vulnerability to be a strength. But over the past few months I’ve been debating with myself about that. A few years ago, I got these tattoos to remind myself to always be willing to take those risks, and to always wear my heart on my sleeve, no matter how difficult that gets.

I’ve questioned that over the past few months (not getting the tattoos, but if I still was able to fully believe in the reasons I picked them). And I think that is part of what has contributed to me feeling a little lost. Questioning myself and something that has always been an important view and value to me. So, as I am trying to recover myself, I am writing this to remind and reinforce how important it is to me personally. I am going to continue to believe, and improve my ability to be a bit more vulnerable (In the right ways. Remember I’m not talking about being vulnerable to assault or physical wounding. So don’t punch me in the nose to help my quest).

And the beautiful thing is, its working! As I have opened up and put my struggles out there, many incredible people have reached out to me and made a huge difference in ways I never could have imagined. Which only further solidifies my belief for me, because it is being reinforced by the one thing I feel is important in this world – human interactions and relationships.  

On a related and ending note, I think that’s why I love to cuddle up and sleep with my babies (ok, and my cats). We lay there together in our most vulnerable physical state, and it creates nothing but physical and emotional closeness and bonding. Well, honestly, there is also some physical wounding there, because they can sometimes kick like machines in the night. Anyways, it’s comforting to me. The relaxed state of being close and vulnerable together. 

Hi.

So.... I had some trouble sleeping most of the night last night due to heavy thinking about some words from my previous blog post. These words to be exact :

"I work with people and families that deal with such struggles on a daily basis. I love them all. Sometimes I am encouraged to get out of that field because of the toll it can take on me.  But I will never walk away from them because they need this the most. I may be taking a pause so I can strengthen myself again for them. But I won't walk away. This isn't just their issue to face. It is an issue for us all to face together. No matter how difficult it gets."


I couldn't sleep because in addition to these words feeling a little arrogant, I realized that the opposite is in fact true. Most of you know I am a Special Education Teacher in a Community Classroom. And the fact of the matter is, I am the one who needs these kids, their families, and everything that comes along with the experience of working in our classroom. I am comforted and in awe of everything they demonstrate and represent. Like the fact that success and happiness are not measured by a standardized unit, and no one in that room is expected to fit into any type of box, but everyone is cherished for the uniqueness they bring to our mix. I am also extremely thankful for the team of people I get to work with and learn from. Despite the challenges, despite the struggles, despite our differences, we are just that; a community. Anyhow, I could go on and on, and I probably will on many occasions in the future, because that's kinda how I roll. But the point is, they don't really need me, but I sure as H. E. Double Hockey Sticks need them!

Speaking of hockey! ;) My oldest child, Aidan plays and is a goalie. I love, love, love watching him play and it is always exciting. Today however, was one of those times where it was both exciting and heartbreaking in the end. It was the semi-finals game to make it into tomorrow's championship game. Although his team was ahead for most of the game, it was eventually tied up and into overtime.  In the end, the other team scored on Aidan with 17 seconds left. I immediately pushed my dear friend Gary practically off the bench (poor guy comes to cheer and support and I spent most of the game hitting, grabbing and pushing him out of excitement). Then I immediately teared up at the sight of Aidan hanging his head, and his teammates slowly coming together to pat him supportively on the head and make their way off the ice. I just felt so deeply in my heart how I knew he felt at that moment. As I entered the dressing room to help him take off his gear, in true Aidan style, he handled it as stoically as possible. But we had a beautiful moment where no words were needed, we just made eye contact and hugged. The other beautiful thing was watching my daughter Dani. As the game got more intense for her brother, she put down her Rainbow Loom, stood on the edge of the bleachers and gave him thumbs up every chance she could to make him feel better. 

On the way home from the game, following a good chat, we decided to do something to make us feel better. So we stopped at a dollar store and got Aidan some new hockey cards, as he likes to collect them, and together we like to find the cards containing players and fans in the background making the most hilarious faces. We spent a good amount of 
time going through each card and voting for our favourites.

Best All Around Hilarious Card. Seriously, really look at it. 

Best Face In An Action Sequence 

Best Face-Singles Category

Best Faces- Doubles Category

Best Face Singles Runner Up

So thankfully these fantastic captured moments cheered us up. And we have some captured moments of our own from today :)  

As a person who feels all emotions with great depth, I tend to try and avoid the physical pain that can often come with negative feelings. Which really means I'm just internalizing them and tricking myself only momentarily. I'm trying to accept and acknowledge that feeling those deep emotions really just means I am experiencing all aspects of life to the fullest, and trying to encourage myself to welcome them for what they are worth. 

(Ok, and for the record, I am not blowing life out of proportion. I know losing a hockey game isn't a real issue, I just felt bad for my guy. He's fine and is now experiencing a new emotion over the fact that he has had to wait so long for me to finish using the computer ;) ) 

Thanks for coming to support today, Gary! Sorry about your bruises.... 

Gary and Owie, watching Aidan's game. More on Gary in the future....

 

Here we go again...

Well, My friends. I have possibly decided to blog once again. I can't promise how often, long, or good it will be. But I am fairly certain that will not matter to you, and is not the point for my attempted return to the blogosphere. 
The point is, I am experiencing something new. Something I really haven't experienced to this extent before, and I realized JUST NOW (while still in my pj's and desperately needing to brush my teeth), that it provided me an opportunity. Or a number of opportunities to be exact. 

A. To express a message and meaningful aspects of life that have always been important to me. 
B. To connect and share life's experiences with people because to me, that's what its all about (also see A.) 
C. To hopefully process some things and learn lessons for myself, and from others.
D. To highlight the amount of beautiful people I am surrounded with that offer endless unconditional, nonjudgmental love and support. 
E. I enjoy writing.
F. I will probably add to this list because thats what I do.  

Okay, what the what am I experiencing you ask? (or rather am I here to tell you even though you didn't ask)  I am currently experiencing a bout of a dark depression and anxiety.   I won't get into the hows or the whys, because frankly it doesn't matter. And that is part of my message. I am still BEYOND thankful and blessed for all that I have in life and surrounding me. And even thankful for the experiences that may have helped contribute to my current state of mind (except that guy that rear ended me and gave me false info. I'm not really feeling thankful for him. But you can bet your bottom dollar he is thankful for me being pretty trusting). But the point is, and reason the whys don't matter, is because regardless of anything, this can happen to anyone for a huge variety of reasons, all very personal to us individually. So, the whys don't matter. It's the what's next that counts and how can we as human beings make a difference for each other during these times. Which leads me to my A. on my opportunities list.

COMPASSION IN PLACE OF JUDGEMENT. 

Life is beautiful. Life can be tough. Life is experienced by us all and whether we like it or not, we are all in this together. So please, try this for me. Instead of Judgement, try Compassion.  Sometimes people who are struggling don't make the best of choices. But a little compassion, instead of judgement could just maybe be that tiny moment that gets them closer to their right path, instead of further off.  That little bit of hope that was missing before.  When our paths cross each day, we have no idea what the other has been/has already experienced in life. All we know is we have that one moment to make that interaction count. You might not be able to make a difference, but you have that opportunity to at least try. 

I work with people and families that deal with such struggles on a daily basis. I love them all. Sometimes I am encouraged to get out of that field because of the toll it can take on me.  But I will never walk away from them because they need this the most. I may be taking a pause so I can strengthen myself again for them. But I won't walk away. This isn't just their issue to face. It is an issue for us all to face together. No matter how difficult it gets. 

One last thing then I will end for now. A confession. This is difficult for me to open up and admit. I like to consider myself an eternal optimist. Maybe even an unrealistic optimist might be a better word. I like to pretend, even to myself, that everything is fine. Then all of a sudden- Boom Goes The Dynamite! And I'm not even thinking like myself anymore. And that is really throwing me for a loop and disappointing me that I am feeling so low. So I am opening up, and sharing this because I want to prove a point. You know what, it's okay that I'm struggling. We all do at some points. All we can do is get through these moments together and be strong enough to admit it. There is no shame in a struggle. A struggle opens up a world of learning, growth, connections, bonds, hope and newfound strength. 

Thank you for reading :) I am going to go shower and brush my teeth now because I am fairly certain not smelling badly is the first step of depression recovery. 

Ps. Thank you to the multiple people who have done beautiful and kind things for me through this. From daily check ins to make sure I'm ok, to taking me to buy food for me and my babies, to helping me financially, to sending me things to make me laugh because you know how much laughter means to me, to listening to me vent/cry, to being strapped to my head and help me fix my house problems via facetime, to cleaning my kitchen and making me coffee while I'm asleep on the couch, to offering me advice and next steps, to just spending time with me so I'm not alone, and most importantly for OFFERING ME COMPASSION INSTEAD OF JUDGEMENT. There are so many of you. I am BLESSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Pss. Stay tuned and next post I will explain the title of this blog. 

PSSS. Big shout out to that lady that bought me lunch and coffee for months and life coached me for free and continues to check up on me! <3 

P to the 4th degree!!!! I keep adding to this list. It will never end. Thank you to those who made/gave me special holiday dinners and gave me shelter during uncertain times!!!!!